Wittiness takes time

& I don't have any because of the rush of exam week and the evident procrastination I have created throughout the semester. So, since I'm extremely busy "studying" (Okay, so maybe I'm just memorizing enough to regurgitate it onto paper tomorrow, but whatever) I am going to declare Wednesdays inspirational days.We can all use inspiration on hump days.

"It's hard to forget someone that gave you so much to remember."

Each and everyone of us have someone that we will always remember, even if we do not want to continue storing them in our heads.These are the people that have contributed to who we are, whether it's a good influence or a bad, and they are the people that have ultimately changed our lives. When I read this quote I thought about a few people in particular, obviously, and  realized what an impact they've made.

Thanks, guys. 

Next Post: The perfect gifts for your significant other. 

Sobriety: A myth on the weekends.

This is how I feel today, guys. TGIF.

Tonight when you're out having a good time with your friends, wherever that may be, I have one small piece of advice for you, okay? Ready? Don't be a bitch. Raise your glasses to all the hard work you did, or pretended to do, this week and give your liver a run for its money.

Enjoy. ( responsibly, of course.)

Vacationing to the Bermuda Triangle

Let's face it, there are people, places and things in life that we avoid on a regular basis. And, usually, we do so for very good reasons. (Primarily because murder is illegal and jail isn't fun, right?) We do so because we need to prevent ourselves from encountering the extra and unneeded stress.

Today I was sitting in my ungodly boring science class and found myself contemplating how sweet life would be if I could just pack up all of these annoying things onto a plane and send them on vacation to the Bermuda Triangle. The Bermuda triangle has been held responsible for the disappearance of ships and planes since 1750, what's a few more? We just send them on their way and POOF! Problem solved!! Right? RIGHT!  Well, then I started considering all of the things I would send away and started seconding guessing (don't you hate that?) the things that I might, maybe, sorta of (in a not really kind of way) miss. But here is just a taste of what would be on my plane:

1. My ex boyfriend who thinks he just knows it all and that he is God's gift to the Earth. (At first I thought I might miss him and then I decided he would be much better off in the Bermuda Triangle where no one would have to listen to him anymore.)

2. People who talk really, really obnoxiously loud on their cell phones in public places. Dudeeee, we do not need to hear your conversation. We don't care. (This goes for people who insist having their phone calls in public while set on speaker. omg)

3. The Salvation Army people who ring the bells. Yeah, you are doing a great job collecting money for charity but unfortunately you have one of the most annoying jobs in the world... and you drive me nuts, sorry. 

4. Valley girls that use the word 'like' more than I blink. Like, shit, we're like, going to like, go like, to the Bermuda Triangle, like, yeah!

5. Neighbors that make excessive amounts of noise at odd and inconvenient hours. 

6. Fleas, mosquitoes, spiders and snakes.  (Yes, I'm aware that they some how keep something in the ecosystem balanced.. don't care. POOF.)

7. My parents' voice boxes. 

8. Homework assignments and discussion boards that the teacher assigns but never really looks at. 

9. High waisted pants and shorts. (Unless you're a mom or old lady.)

10. Those bear claw shoes. 

11. Christmas music in November.

12. Starbucks traffic in the morning when you're just trying to get coffee to make your brain work and everyone is in the way. WHYYYYYYYYYY?

13. TRAFFIC. 

14. Boys that cannot take a hint.

15. Girls that never stop talking about how great their boyfriend is, when the rest of us know he's a sleezebag.

16. The lady who cut my hair too short when I specifically told her not to do that. 

17. The ladies who do my toes and make me bleed while talking about me in another language.

18. Twlight, the Beebs and girls that think being super slutty is cool.

19. Commercials that make me hungry when I'm too lazy to drive.

20. I can't remember the last one, but I bet it was annoying.

As you can see, there is a good possibility that I will need more than one plane. In fact, if I was truly allowed to fill planes... well, I'm sure you can figure it out. What kinds of things would you put on a plane and send to the Bermuda Triangle? The options are endless. (But all annoying..)

Getting my boss an exorcism for Christmas.

I think that it is safe to say that we all work, or have worked, at some point in our lives. (And if this does not apply to you… well, then on the behalf of the working class, fuck you. :D)  During our journeys through corporate America we are bound to encounter some rotten apples, right? Sometimes I wonder if I have just been handed an entire bag of rotten apples because I keep managing to find atrocious bosses, the kind that make you shutter and your skin crawl. I am talking about the kind of bosses that make you wonder ‘who the fuck let you instruct people?’, the kind that make Cruella De Ville look like a hopeless romantic and PETA activist. Yeah, that bad. Anyways, here are some warning signs that your boss might be the devil. (Or maybe just a colossal, condescending cunt.) If you find yourself agreeing to a lot of these warning signs and are looking for the perfect Christmas gift this year, I suggest looking into an exorcism.  

1.       If your boss strolls into work a little after nine and then hides in their office with the door shut, coming out to only remind you of all the super hard work they are getting done in there. (Playing Solitaire and checking your email is enough to work up a sweat. Really.)

2.       They hire you under specific terms and schedule arrangements and a few weeks later you find yourself doing an assortment of things you did not agree to do.

3.       If someone in your section quits and your boss refuses to hire anyone else. (And why should they when they can just pay one person and over work the dedicated employees they already have?)

4.       If your boss takes excessive vacations with their PTO (Paid Time Off) while declining every one of your requests because someone needs to do their job.

5.       If you call out sick and your boss gives you a guilt trip about having to stress over finding someone to cover your shift now, or heaven forbid has to cover it themselves.

6.       If your boss thinks working a part time job is more important than your education, your family or your kids.

7.       If your boss tries to write you to be ‘on call’, just in case it gets busy, when you are not a nurse or doctor.

8.       If your boss talks to you like a child or in the baby voice.

9.       If your paychecks come up short because they accidently forgot to put all of the hours you worked on your check. Whoops.

10.   If you have to show your boss how to do your job… or their job.

11.   If your boss texts you when you are off the clock asking you about work related things, to come in or just makes a general spelling/grammar error.

12.   If your boss complains about how much work they have to do and how you are interrupting it by asking questions.

13.   If your boss does not approve of socialization between coworkers. No one likes having friends or knowing the people they work with, after all.

14.   If your boss allows her kids, family or friends to utilize your place of employment without any sort of compensation or warning.

15.   If your boss insists that you work several turn around shifts and makes snide comments about how you have no right to be tired.

16.   If your boss makes stereotypical or racial comments in regards to customers, guests, or your fellow employees.

17.   If your boss bad mouths or spread gossip to you about your other coworkers.

18.   If they come and go as they please, allowing you the absolute pleasure of concluding their responsibilities.

19.   If your boss plays favorites and makes excuses for her, or her favorites’, short comings.

20.   If your boss pretends to be unavailable when to customer needs to complain and tells you that you can handle it.

21.   If your boss does not promote you to upper positions because you do not have the experience, but you are doing the job for her anyways.

22.   If your boss hires out instead of promoting seniority within the company.

23.   If your boss fake laughs.

24.   If your boss flaunts how much they make.

25.   If they do not pay bonuses or thank you for working holidays and overtime.

26.   If your boss hits on, or throws themselves at, one of your coworkers. (They think they’re being discrete, but let’s get real.)

27.   When your ninety day review and pay raise never comes. Ever.

28.   If your boss ‘forgets’ about your needed days off for doctors appointments, family functions or school obligations.

29.   When your boss takes what you just suggested, pauses, rewords it and says it like it was their idea.

30.   When your boss does or says something that embarrasses you.

31.   When your boss tries to correct you, but they’re wrong. Really, really wrong.

Dear employers, please think before you speak and please open a history book. Slavery was abolished a long time ago. We are working for you and will only perform to our best ability if you give us incentives, respect and pleasant working conditions. 

**Disclaimer: Pictures are from Google. I do not, in any shape or form, own them.

Because you learn shit in life

Learning shit in life makes you smart, so learn up, bitches. 

1. Never take your favorite pillow with you anywhere. You will lose it and then you will hate yourself every awkward sleepless night from then on out. In fact, do not take any of your favorite anything anywhere, ever. You will lose that, too. 

2.There is no winning when you argue with your family. Even if you are lucky enough to win the argument you will be the asshole that pissed off half of your family and have to wait for them get the fuck over it. And if you lose the argument you are an asshole for arguing anyways, and will have to hear over and over again about how you were wrong 'that one time.'

3.Smoking weed will make your taste buds do the cha cha like a sissy girl and then take a siesta because apparently you will have a whole new love and appreciation from Mexican food. Or maybe just food in general.

4. You will want to get a cat because they are adorable and then you will wonder why you ever got a cat when it is running around the house like a lunatic when you are trying sleep or focus on something important. 

5. When you have bruises your significant other will be blamed, or your parents, because no one could possibly be dumb enough to walk into a few tables or hit a corner or two. Nah, never.

6. If you are single, you are either easy or defective. If they guy is lucky enough you will be both.

7. Your friends of the opposite sex can feel when your relationships come to an end. No mercy will be shown and friendships will get really awkward, really fast.

8. They tell you in life to appreciate and be satisfied with your life and what you have in it but, simultaneously everyone will insist that you progress, better yourself and always demand more. Wut.

9. shlfkhsd. Your cats will always try to hit keys and type for you because the Aristrocats taught them that dancing around on keyboards is cute and acceptable.

10. Auto correct will always fail you at the most inconvenient moment. Microsoft word will always correct you, and Google will guide you because it knows all. (Google for President 2016)

11. Don't lend anything to anyone that you aren't willing to flush down the toilet. No, not even your bestest best friend from best friend land because shit happens. Also, do not borrow anything you cannot afford to replace. Ahem, ladies and gentlemen, this includes cars. Yeah, just do not.

12. You should probably just starve yourself and only eat in front of large audiences composed of family and friends because if you say you aren't hungry you will automatically have an eating disorder.

13. You are technically born with two parents but every adult figure you meet will try to parent you. Or feed you.

14. Everything is good in moderation. Especially drugs and sex.

15. You'll never feel disappointment like coming home from the drive-thru to find out that Taco Bell got your order wrong and it's cold. 

16. Everything is on a need to know basis. Unless they are things you do not want to know, then you will hear all about it allllllllll of the time.

17. Exes are like stray cats. They are cute, scruffy and if you feed or give them attention they will always come back for more. 

18. You know that you should not give that creepy kid from your class a lift home, but you are nice. You will do it for the satisfaction of being a good person, but more likely for the, hopefully awkward story it provides for you to later tell your buddies.

19. All that matters is that your ex is a bigger bitch than you, even if it isn't true.

20. People will believe every lie you tell them, but question the shit out of you when you are telling the truth.

21. Food tastes better when it is free. 

22. It should matter more what you are able to bring to the table, rather than what you look like sitting at it. But, it doesn't really. So put on a tie and tuck in your shirt. 

23. Adequate grammar and speaking properly will get you further than your swag and thug life.

24. Accept when enough is enough.

Until next time, bitches.