Because you learn shit in life

Learning shit in life makes you smart, so learn up, bitches. 

1. Never take your favorite pillow with you anywhere. You will lose it and then you will hate yourself every awkward sleepless night from then on out. In fact, do not take any of your favorite anything anywhere, ever. You will lose that, too. 

2.There is no winning when you argue with your family. Even if you are lucky enough to win the argument you will be the asshole that pissed off half of your family and have to wait for them get the fuck over it. And if you lose the argument you are an asshole for arguing anyways, and will have to hear over and over again about how you were wrong 'that one time.'

3.Smoking weed will make your taste buds do the cha cha like a sissy girl and then take a siesta because apparently you will have a whole new love and appreciation from Mexican food. Or maybe just food in general.

4. You will want to get a cat because they are adorable and then you will wonder why you ever got a cat when it is running around the house like a lunatic when you are trying sleep or focus on something important. 

5. When you have bruises your significant other will be blamed, or your parents, because no one could possibly be dumb enough to walk into a few tables or hit a corner or two. Nah, never.

6. If you are single, you are either easy or defective. If they guy is lucky enough you will be both.

7. Your friends of the opposite sex can feel when your relationships come to an end. No mercy will be shown and friendships will get really awkward, really fast.

8. They tell you in life to appreciate and be satisfied with your life and what you have in it but, simultaneously everyone will insist that you progress, better yourself and always demand more. Wut.

9. shlfkhsd. Your cats will always try to hit keys and type for you because the Aristrocats taught them that dancing around on keyboards is cute and acceptable.

10. Auto correct will always fail you at the most inconvenient moment. Microsoft word will always correct you, and Google will guide you because it knows all. (Google for President 2016)

11. Don't lend anything to anyone that you aren't willing to flush down the toilet. No, not even your bestest best friend from best friend land because shit happens. Also, do not borrow anything you cannot afford to replace. Ahem, ladies and gentlemen, this includes cars. Yeah, just do not.

12. You should probably just starve yourself and only eat in front of large audiences composed of family and friends because if you say you aren't hungry you will automatically have an eating disorder.

13. You are technically born with two parents but every adult figure you meet will try to parent you. Or feed you.

14. Everything is good in moderation. Especially drugs and sex.

15. You'll never feel disappointment like coming home from the drive-thru to find out that Taco Bell got your order wrong and it's cold. 

16. Everything is on a need to know basis. Unless they are things you do not want to know, then you will hear all about it allllllllll of the time.

17. Exes are like stray cats. They are cute, scruffy and if you feed or give them attention they will always come back for more. 

18. You know that you should not give that creepy kid from your class a lift home, but you are nice. You will do it for the satisfaction of being a good person, but more likely for the, hopefully awkward story it provides for you to later tell your buddies.

19. All that matters is that your ex is a bigger bitch than you, even if it isn't true.

20. People will believe every lie you tell them, but question the shit out of you when you are telling the truth.

21. Food tastes better when it is free. 

22. It should matter more what you are able to bring to the table, rather than what you look like sitting at it. But, it doesn't really. So put on a tie and tuck in your shirt. 

23. Adequate grammar and speaking properly will get you further than your swag and thug life.

24. Accept when enough is enough.

Until next time, bitches.